Advice on Dating Korean Men Attracts Anger, Support

Disappointed by how the eager gentleman of the first few dates turned into an inattentive boyfriend, Korean women often turn to online portals to air their grievances. Talk about the responsibilities of a man in a relationship and how to make sacrifices to keep your Korean boyfriend lead to hundreds of comments per thread, most of them split between criticism or support of the poster. As part of our continuing coverage of changing gender roles in Korea and the minefield that is modern Korean dating, koreaBANG has translated a comprehensive look at two popular dating threads.

From Nate Pann:

My boyfriend has subtly changed. I don’t know how to express my disappointment.

Hello everyone. We are a couple in our mid-twenties. We’ve been dating for three years. My boyfriend had a crush on me for years before we began dating. He treated me well for the first two years of our relationship, but since then he has slowly and subtly changed. I can’t put my finger on exactly how he is different, but after several months of this, my love is withering from the accumulated disappointments.

It’s not really obvious. He basically treats me well, but he doesn’t care about small things any more. For example, he still walks me home. We say goodbye earlier than before but he doesn’t seem sorry about it. He’s still attentive to me when he’s with me but now he enjoys his hobbies with other people and he leaves me alone longer. I know I’m still the only woman he sees but he has begun drinking with people, including females. He still talks to me on the phone every night but it’s only once a day, compared to 3~5 times a day as in the past. Even though we don’t talk as much as before, he seems bored. It is me who leads the conversations now. Twenty to thirty-minute phone calls have shrunk to five to ten-minutes. He still wants to spend weekends with me but compared with before we don’t spend as much time together. He still likes being with me alone but we only hold hands.

In the big scheme of things, he’s the same, but small things have changed a lot. Those didn’t happen all at once, so it took me a long time to realize that things have changed. I tried to talk about this to him carefully, as I know guys don’t want to listen to complaints like this, but he assured me that he’s not bored with me and he loves me. Since he didn’t say anything wrong, our conversation about it just stopped there. I have read many posts that claimed this happens when the guy spends his energy on something else. We are in a long-distance relationship and we had been friends for a long time. I know he still spends the same amount of time with his friends before and after we began dating.

korea-dating-men-first-date

It’s just that he used to treat me so well that I feel a bit sad now. I still like him so much and I’m scared he will disappear from my life one day. However, I hate him sometimes for no apparent reason, maybe because of those small disappointments. I feel empty and I can’t like him as much as before. Please share wise words with me as to how to deal with this situation.

Edit:
I’m very surprised this is already a much discussed post. Thanks for all the wise words and advice. I feel better. I’m glad I wrote this here. Those answers got me thinking a lot. As one of you said, I guess I was more disappointed because I was on the receiving end of one-sided love for years and I was always treated very well.

However, I’d like to clarify something. My boyfriend is a student while I’m working. We are in a long-distance relationship because of his school. He originally grew up in a place close to where I now live. He always said he is happy to walk me home so I don’t have to feel sorry about it. I feel guilty about adding time to his travel, but whenever I offered to walk him home he always strongly refuses. I know it’s not easy to walk someone home all the time. I always appreciate it and often express my gratitude. For dating expenses, I have paid 70%. I always wait for his calls because I don’t want to call him first since he lives with his friends and I don’t want to make him uncomfortable. I don’t just wait forever though.

We discuss our date plans together and we always sit side by side. It’s a bit funny to say this but to compensate for the love I’ve received from him so far, I try hard to treat him well. The top comment below might come from someone’s personal experience, but that doesn’t mean their lesson would work in my case. But it seems true that my pride suffers when I think about how I love him more than he does me, especially since I used to think I received so much love from him. Thanks for the good answers. I will keep them in mind.

Comments from Nate Pann:

으휴:

Does your boyfriend happen to have a car? If not, you guys must have been traveling on public transit. He always offers for you to sit first when there is one empty seat on the bus or subway, right? You might have taken it for granted. You said he always walked you home. If it normally takes thirty minutes for him to go home, it would take 1~2 hours to go back home on the last transit after walking you home. Do you smile and say thank you to him every time he walks you home? Have you ever gotten grumpy because you didn’t quite enjoy the date or you were tired while he was on his way back home on the last transit? He walked you home for two years. Have you tried to do that for him just for two months? If he has a car, have you ever picked him up and driven him in your car? Have you ever driven a long distance for him? Have you ever tried to change the brake pad or engine oil on his car that has accumulated so many miles from driving you? Think about what you have taken for granted and try to return the favor. For example, if you go to a restaurant, he will let you sit on the sofa side while he sits on the chair on the other side. All guys do that. Sitting on a sofa is more comfortable for men, too, but they are being considerate. Women take it for granted. Then men begin to change. They are human, too. When there is only one empty seat and their legs hurt, they want to sit, too. Going back home on the last train is tiring for guys, too. They do it for their girlfriends who take it for granted. If he doesn’t call you as much as before, why would you wait when you can call him first? If you are unhappy that you don’t spend as much time together as you did before, why don’t you try walking him home to be with him longer? You can also plan to go somewhere with him and stay until late at night. But would you? It may be bothersome and it may hurt your pride. Your boyfriend has been doing that for longer than two years. Think about whether you appreciated it. Those women who only take things from guys have no right to complain about changing love. Why do you have to be only on the receiving end of love? Both mind and stamina have to be recharged. One-sided consumption leads to depletion. If you want to say “I have bought him some meals though”, you are silly. Then, maybe he only needs to buy you meals, too.

Edit:
I’m sorry about my assumptions.^^ It seems you really love your boyfriend a lot. I don’t think you need to be anxious. You are getting lots of love! ke ke. It may be just that he got busier at school and there are not as many new topics to talk about.^^ You guys seem like a lovely couple with no problems to me. He he.

미니미 :

Why do men always get bored as soon as women completely fall in love with them?

wasnot:

Every woman experiences it at some point. It’s important to know how to accept it. If you obsess yourself with the idea that love has changed all day, it will only hurt your pride! You guys have been loving each other intensely for two years. You can afford to have some time for yourself and your friends. You can enjoy new hobbies, too. Then you will naturally have new things to talk about!

ㅎㄱ:

It seems women don’t like it when it goes from 100:0 to 50:50.

ㅋㅋ:

If you read some comments here, it’s sounds like everyone is trying to be a relationship expert, ke ke ke. The OP didn’t have feelings for her boyfriend at first. He was following her around and asked her out. She accepted it. Now that time has passed, he doesn’t seem as passionate. Of course she would feel sad. You cannot help it. You get used to each other like that. It’s natural to feel sad when you watch someone change in a relationship. Should she try to reciprocate the love she has received? That’s bullshit. The guy managed to go out with her with all his sweet talk. Now this is a violation of his contract.

음:

I married my husband after a long period of dating. I spent all my 20s with him. I also had a similar experience to yours. I was sad and cried alone back then. Your boyfriend has his own life, too. He might have tried to completely accommodate you before. Now he might be naturally getting back his own time. You might feel sad about it but you should accept it. You can try to change your own life pattern, too. Invest in yourself and enjoy your own free time. As long as you think he still loves you, you don’t have to worry at all~ If he makes you nervous and suspicious, your relationship has a problem, but if you just feel that he doesn’t seem as passionate as before, he probably just finds you more comfortable than before. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. If he’s excited everyday, he would die early;; Getting comfortable is not necessarily bad. It means you guys have that much trust in each other~ Your trust gets stronger and it blooms into a new form of love. I had a similar experience tp yours and I have no doubt that my husband still loves me the same~ I wish you good luck~ ^^

ㅋㅋ:

When your boyfriend had a crush on you, he might have felt just like you do now.

ㄴㄴ:

Honestly, when you feel something has changed in your relationship, it might be already too late. Sometimes the boyfriend can change with some effort but there are guys who aren’t like that. Isn’t it silly to comfort yourself thinking it is your turn to care more in your relationship when you feel he doesn’t love you as much as before? It’s not wrong to feel sad about his changes. Don’t bury your head in the sand, face the reality. Just break up with him. Guys who don’t change don’t change. Trying to be a cool woman who can stimulate him? Do you think it will be comfortable and happy to be in a game-playing kind of relationship? You should find a consistent guy with whom you can express all your emotions. There are many men in the world.

결혼4년차:

Except for my wife, there were six women whom I asked out first. My relationship with each of them didn’t last for longer than a year. However, my heart still flutters with my wife even though we dated for five years before marriage. All of my ex-girlfriends took my favors for granted. It was me who dumped them. I had no regrets because I treated them the best I could. They stopped expressing gratitude about my favors after some time and only wanted to rely on me but I couldn’t rely on them. I’ve been with my wife for nine years so far and she still turns me on. She’s so lovely because she’s always grateful for whatever I do for her. She also does favors for me and takes care of me. She doesn’t only try to rely on me. She takes good care of herself. She has lots of aegyo. She looks innocent without makeup but sexy with makeup. She doesn’t get catty or grumpy. Men’s behavior depends on women’s behavior. I hope the OP can try to take care of her boyfriend well. If the woman dictates what her guy should be like, he will get exhausted. You should try to change yourself first.

나이스가이:

This is why guys shouldn’t always feel required to treat women well. They take it for granted. I guess being the Bad Guy is the answer after all. Just being nice ends up hurting you. Why are women so selfish? Since when have they been like that? Is it especially worse with Korean women? I’m regretful about my 20s where I always tried to do everything for women. They might have taken it for granted. Sneaky.

182cm훈남:

Hey, woman who only wants to be taken care of by your guy. Are you a princess? When will you stop being a goldfish who should be fed by him? If he has served you for two years, don’t you think it is your turn to give it back to him?

Okay, I read your additional excuse. It’s funnier. You still complain even though he’s still that nice to you? What the hell!!!!!!!!!!! Do women get childish as they get older? Can’t you become a more mature human and lover? What the hell is your problem?????? You mean you pitied the lowly bastard who was begging for your love and generously opened up to him but now he’s being lazy and not carrying out his duties properly? You haven’t even learned how to give love. I feel sad for the guy. As a guy, I hate women like you. I truly hate them.

ㅡㅡ:

Honestly, it seems the guy is a bit bored with you now. About time he begins to be attracted to other women. Not that he doesn’t love you. Everyone experiences this phase… The man turns like that the moment his woman has given all of herself to him anyway.

흐음:

Focus on yourself. Men like women who are not within his easy reach, who do their own work passionately and to whom other people look up. When he asks you out on a date, don’t be agreeable all the time. If you show him that you are usually sweet but you can always leave him, he will pay more attention to you, ke ke. And importantly, you should become the person he can turn to when he’s having the hardest time. You can cook for him after work. You can listen to his rants. You can praise his good traits. You can massage his shoulders. You can go watch baseball or soccer games with him. Men are only human. When they feel exhausted but their girlfriends can’t help them, they will go meet their friends instead. You need to be generous like a mother, too. Just like he does things for you like a father.

그레이트:

Maybe he changed because of you. Examine your own behavior.

ㅇㅇ:

Just reading the OP makes me tired… It isn’t a big deal. How can someone be 100% the same for three or four thousand years?

Article from Nate Pann:

He always says he’s tired…I’m sick of it.

I’ve been lurking here everyday. I’ve got a story to share. I’m a women in her 30s and I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over one year. I feel tired these days. My boyfriend works at an interior design company. He’s always on site. I know it’s tough to do manual work outside. I have always felt sorry for him doing hard work. I have tried to be understanding and considerate to him.

Even if he replies to my message late or doesn’t reply at all, I try to understand that it must be because he is too busy with work. He makes one phone call to say good night each day but I try to comfort myself thinking it is still nice of him to call me although he must be tired. It’s been like that. Honestly, there are times I just want to hear his voice and I often feel like falling asleep while chitchatting with him on the phone. If I try to tell him about my day, he isn’t even responsive. Maybe he’s too tired. If I talk to a wall, I wouldn’t get hurt at least. I quickly hang up because he sounds tired. I really feel sad about it. However, I have tried to understand him because I don’t want to be hard on someone who’s too tired. He takes a day off only on Sundays. It’s hard to ask him out. I always think to myself that he must be tired and I should understand him.

He feels very sorry and grateful. He said there is no woman who’s as understanding as me. He said he will try to treat me well for life. I was grateful for his words and tried to be even more considerate and understanding. However, I was getting emotionally exhausted. I’m a human, too. If I sound a little grumpy, he’s like “You’ve been doing well so far. Please be understanding a bit more.” Then I had to stop complaining. Frustrations were accumulating in me. A while ago, I was drinking with my friend. I don’t usually drink much but on that day, I was feeling so frustrated.

He usually goes to sleep at 10:00 p.m., 11:00 if it’s late. I usually try to get home before he goes to bed but on that day it was past 11:00 p.m. when I got home. He sent me a message that said he’s too tired so he will sleep without talking to me. Tired…tired…that word triggered a bomb in me. I don’t get home late everyday. It was like the first time in several months. If he had waited until I got home, would he have died from fatigue? I wondered why he wasn’t worried about his girlfriend going home late at night. I had to cry in front of my friend although I didn’t want to. I was so sorry about that.

When I got home, it was around midnight. I called him. Normally I wouldn’t even send him a message because it might wake him up but I couldn’t help it on that night. He answered my call after some attempts. He was surprised because I was crying. I asked him why he couldn’t wait until he made sure I’m home. He sighed and replied by asking why I had to talk about it now. He hung up saying we can talk the next day. Although it was obvious we wouldn’t even be able to talk about it next day because he’s busy… I was different that night. Why couldn’t he just listen to me for five or ten minutes even though he was tired? I got exhausted from crying so much. I stopped calling him. I didn’t call him the next day. I was sick and couldn’t even go to work. He seemed worried and brought me a bowl of soup. He also kept calling me. I told him to give me some time to think. I was so exhausted that I didn’t want to accept him.

These days, most women work. Everyone’s tired. I also work and I have my own hardships, too. I still tried to understand him because I love him but it seems he likes me because I understand his hardship. Of course, there are exceptions but most guys find calling their women bothersome and just don’t want to be bothered. Why would you hurt your precious person like that? What makes you so tired all the time? Yeah????

Edit: Omo…I’m surprised my post received so many views. I carefully read your comments. At times like this, bad comments also give me strength. It got me thinking. First of all, thank you for all your comments. Hearing about other people’s experiences is helpful for me.

I guess it was wrong for me to try to tolerate more than what I could take. While it is important to sympathize and try to understand the other person, I should’ve clearly talked to him about what I could not bear. Because I always tried to absorb it all and move on, it became overwhelming for me. We eventually got into a rut and weren’t even aware of our relationship’s sickness.

Last night, he came to my house and we talked a lot. He said he genuinely believed it every time I said I was okay. He said he noticed I was gradually getting frustrated but he thought I would be okay and honestly he didn’t care much due to his own problems. Since he knows what I think now, he told me he will try to care about me better. I was encouraged by his words. I felt sorry as well. I’m well aware that field work is tough and it’s hard to contact me even though he can find time to use the washroom and have meals. It’s not that women cannot understand it. Whether you are a woman or a man, we are supposed to expect basic courtesy between lovers. Even though he cannot always be attentive to me because he’s busy, I just wait for him to assure me that he cares about me. Men and women are very different. You need to understand that important point in a relationship. Thanks again for all your comments. Have a great day~~

PS: Just to clarify, I couldn’t go to work not because I was intoxicated too much. I normally drink one glass of beer but I didn’t even drink half a glass that night. I had to go to the ER because of stomach cramps. Also, my work isn’t easy, too. I don’t have to work all day but when it gets busy, it’s really busy. I go to work by 8:30 a.m. and leave work at 7:00 p.m. I often work overtime as well.

Comments from Nate Pann:

socool… :

Even if men are tired to death, they don’t leave their loved ones alone~ They still find time to drink and meet people. If he’s really that tired all the time, break up with him. What’s good about a lifeless guy? You guys sound like a couple who hit the seven year itch. Why would you stay in such a relationship…

흠:

One-sided sacrifice and submission makes you tired. Meet someone else who can give you love. If you get married to him, it will get even worse. It seems you will have to do all the house chores even when you are working as well. If you have a baby, will your tired husband take care of the baby?

행쇼:

No matter how busy he is, he still has time to go to the washroom and have meals. It isn’t hard to send you messages. It seems he doesn’t really care about you. There are many men out there. Meet a better guy and be loved happily~~~

ㅊ:

My mom said we always have to try to be our best to our girlfriend during the initial dating period. If you feel you aren’t being loved even once during that period, you should stop seeing him. Well, maybe not literally just once but it is just not worth it to keep dating someone who doesn’t make you happy. That’s all I can say.

ㄴㄴㄴ:

He even brought you a bowl of soup. I don’t think you really should break up with him. He seems like a good guy but his hard work must be the problem. ㅜㅜ If you can’t deal with it, you will have to break up but it doesn’t seem like he doesn’t love you.

오홍:

What if I write a comment from the guy’s point of view? I do interior work on the worksite. It’s really hard to work outside. It’s worse especially when it’s hot like these days. My girlfriend accepts me. I’m very sorry but I’m tired to the point where I can’t even say I’m sorry. However, a while ago, she got upset and cried. She said she will be home late because she’s drinking with her friends. Since it was a very hot and tiring day, I just went home to sleep without talking to her. She must have been upset about it. It seems she exploded with all her accumulated frustrations. I apologized to her but she doesn’t accept it. What should I do?

Jining:

There should be basic courtesy between lovers. If you receive a message, you should reply to it. If you will be late, you should call your partner. If there is some problem, you should tell your partner. If you said you would call later, you should not forget to call. If you will be on a trip, you should let your partner know it. Some people ignore these basic things. Such unintentional negligence makes your partner look desperate for your affection, which hurts their pride and turns them neurotic. If you want to do whatever you want, just stay single. Don’t make a poor person desperate. The OP is not wrong. She only expects basic courtesy.

m:

I don’t understand how she didn’t go to work because of heavy drinking. And what’s worrisome about going home late after drinking with friends? Shouldn’t you be able to take care of yourself? I’m sorry that women are targeted for crimes but if you want to be safe, don’t stay out until too late. How did you manage to go home when you had no boyfriend?

대화:

I’m a guy who experienced a similar situation. My girlfriend with a smile said to me, “Look at me. I’m serious. From now on, please call me at least once everyday. Okay?” It got me thinking. I realized that I was a bad boyfriend who didn’t even call my girlfriend every day. Your boyfriend might be exhausted by both work and love but he may not want to give you up. Wouldn’t it be a turning point between you guys if you can have an open and serious discussion about your concerns?

덕근:

Both are supposed to sacrifice for each other. If it’s one-sided, it woun’t last for long. It reminds me of the comic where it said just saying “don’t worry about it” all the time meant there was no time to say “I love you”.

에혀:

It seems you didn’t really understand him but you pretended to accept him. And you got tired of it. I know what it feels like to refrain from asking my boyfriend for a date because it is the only day he can take a rest in the week. ㅜㅜ His appreciation for my patience eventually becomes annoying. I’m not really that patient and I don’t like to be alone but I tried to be considerate to him because I love him. You should’ve talked to him when he brought you a bowl of soup. If he doesn’t like you, he wouldn’t have done that. You should think about whether you can live with a husband who’s too busy with work.

유라시안:

My husband also does field work. He doesn’t even take any holidays. I envy you because your boyfriend can at least take a day off on Sundays. Only when it rains so much or he’s sick can my husband take a break. But he doesn’t contact me as little as your boyfriend. Your boyfriend seems selfish. It might be a good idea to break up. If you get married, there is even more responsibility. Being understanding works only when there is basic courtesy.

매일그대왕:

Would it be hard for him to wait until his girlfriend gets home even if he’s tired? Yes, it might be. Try to put yourself in his shoes. I’m a woman and I barely manage to change my clothes before falling asleep when I get home because I work really hard. If my boyfriend calls me, I talk to him as my eyes are closing. If he calls me too late, I’m upset because I’m dead tired! Love isn’t more important than making a living. Please don’t be sad because of things like that.

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  • Brett

    I just threw up in my mouth a little. Dramas have destroyed relationships for Koreans.

    • Paul M

      Oh, oppa! Whe-yoOoOoOoOo.

      • Jen_in_NY

        Fighting!

      • Brett

        Jjajeungna!

        • Eve Akota

          Never heard this one !
          What does it mean ?

          • Brett

            짜증나 means something like “that’s so annoying”

      • Jen_in_NY

        Aish!

      • Eve Akota

        Nappeun-nom…

    • Jen_in_NY

      You have your porn; we have ours!

      • Yaminah Jamison

        …is an interesting point. Porn have kinda screwed up many dudes expectations of sex and women lol.

  • Michael Aronson

    Korean relationships encounter these kinds of dramatic situations because people don’t talk enough. They hold it in, cry to themselves, say “everything is okay” when it’s not . . . honestly, people create these problems themselves by holding back and not being direct.

    Yeah, it’s the culture, but it’s still driving people crazy in relationships.

    • Dominic ‘Dom’ Dinkins

      Indeed. I clearly talked about this with my fiancee when we first started dating and we’ve made it a point not to hold anything in. It’s just bad for relationships period. You think everything is okay, and then BAM, the other party brings up an issue they’ve been holding in for months.

      • Bear

        Your girlfriend must be pretty desperate to go out with a darkie like yourself.

        Black people are seen as less than human in korean society, and justifiably.

        She does look pretty old and unattractive.

        • Michael Aronson

          Not only racist, but desperately jealous. How sad.

    • That’s why honest communication and good communication will be a key to a long lasting relationship.

    • Bear

      Sorry but what the hell do you know about ‘korean’ relationships?
      What are you, some beta ass sex tourist?

      Jesus Christ kill yourself.

      • Michael Aronson

        I know quite a bit, actually, and going by the thumbs up I’ve received, many people seem to agree.

        Don’t act so insecure. I’m embarrassed for you, Bear.

        • Bear

          I’m not the one who should be embarrassed, I don’t need to travel to foreign countries to get laid.

          • Michael Aronson

            You have plenty of other reasons to be embarrassed, it seems.

      • dk2020

        angry much? michael wasn’t even disrespectful .. you prove his point of korean men being hateful insecure assholes ..

  • Zach

    My boyfriend has hobbies and friends! He must not love me anymore! Korean women are insane.

    • terriblemovie

      The guy in the 2nd story sounds really really selfish.

      Selfishly working himself to death so he can feed, gift and pamper his totally unspoiled and sensible girlfriend. He even has the gall to call her only once a day; a true lover would call ten or more times a day. I especially cringed when he would sometimes go home and immediately fall asleep. Doesn’t he know that talking with your girlfriend after a long and exhausting days work is more important then getting sleep?

      This guy should be locked away in prison.

      • Ben On

        10 times a day? That’s ridiculous.

        • Eve Akota

          That’s the point. Terriblemovie’s whole comment is sarcastic.

  • lonetrey / Dan

    So basically…. all these women in this article are super needy. :/

    • Brett

      It’s kdramas that have deposited the perfect “never-ending-overly-romantic” relationship idea into the youths’ heads. Guys can’t win as long as every drama is a cinderella story with a guy who goes above and beyond the duties of a boyfriend, day in and day out.

      • lonetrey / Dan

        Indeed. Though, I notice someone downvoted me. I have the sneaking suspicion that someone feels the same way as the women in this article and resents how I said they were “needy”.

        Edit: and a downvote already, 1 minute after posting? My my…. Someone is really offended. /rolleyes. Though, for what reason I’m still not sure. Can’t understand you if you don’t talk to me, Mr./Mrs./Ms. Anonymous.

        • Yaminah Jamison

          Eh well not everyone will agree with everything. I got like 3 downvotes. Their opinions *shrugs* (and I didn’t downvote you either) I mean, do you expect the upvoters to express their opinions on why they agree with you?

          • lonetrey / Dan

            I was actually expecting someone to say something. I mean, I’d like to hear the other side of the argument, which is why a silent downvote confuses me a little. Unless a comment is outrageously wrong (like, “I love eating human beings. Cannibalism has scientific proof of superior nutrition!”), I always wonder what the other person is thinking.

            Also, in order to downvote you need to have a registered Disqus account. I mean, they can’t even use the excuse “It was too much trouble to register just to post a counter-opinion!”

          • Yaminah Jamison

            What I learned is we’re not obligated to express a return opinion. Sometimes I just don’t feel like getting into a discussion on why I disagree (sometimes it may get heated or just waaay too long and I just don’t care anymore and will move on); it makes the downvote quite convenient ^^ I don’t expect upvoters to explain, so I don’t expect it from downvoters

      • Jen_in_NY

        I hear what you’re saying, because so many women in so many different cultures indeed have grown up with stories of princesses and princes (what young girl doesn’t look at Kate Middleton and wonder, “What if…?”)

        –but–

        I think it’s a little short-sighted to suggest that young women truly can’t tell the difference between K-drama, fairy tales, and their real lives. I think these girls just want to vent and want a little attention (who doesn’t?).

        • Brett

          I don’t know if you understand how pervasive kdramas are into an average Korean girls life. I’ve seen it from the moment I came here. It’s so bad that it’s all some girls talk about with their friends.

          I also think you underestimate that if people are conditioned to expect something, (Michael made a similar point) than they truly will be disappointed if it turns out not to be entirely what they thought.

          • Jen_in_NY

            Okay, maybe you’re right. I’ve never been to Korea, so I don’t have the same perspective as you do. I can only *imagine* the intensity of the impact these dramas have on girls (skewed by my own Western experience), but you’ve clearly witnessed it for yourself.

        • Brett

          Also, I don’t think the blame should be placed solely on girls (regarding dramas). I mean, boys learn these extravagant shows of affection from somewhere.

          • terriblemovie

            Korean males for the most part do not watch kdramas, in fact they don’t watch a lot of tv. They prefer to play video games. Hence the prevalence of Koreans in games like starcraft, WoW, LoL, etc.

            Korean males study their ass off in highschool, spend 2 years in the military, work the longest hours in the OECD, and then die 8 years younger than their female counterparts. They don’t have time for kdramas. Housewives and the unemployed do. Thats why kdramas and idol variety shows are so prevalent. These shows target females.

          • Brett

            That’s silly, I have plenty of guy friends who download their favorite dramas to watch in their free time. Also, I know people work hard, but to say that “Korean men are too busy to watch tv” is absurd. Don’t turn this into the feminism/masculine debate.

          • terriblemovie

            Just because you know a few guys who watch romance dramas, doesn’t mean the same is true for the vast majority of guys.

            You can find adult males in the US who watch “My Little Pony” and “Pokemon”. That doesn’t mean most American males are interested in such shows. The same applies to Korean males and romance dramas.

          • Brett

            Now you are being silly again. Just because you play video games, doesn’t mean the same is true for the vast majority of men. You must be somewhere in the teens to thirties because the vast majority of office workers are older than you and they don’t fuck around with games.

            You can’t speak as what you are saying is absolute, you are merely supposing. There are plenty of male viewers to watch them. Truth is, the majority are all in middle/high school, university, or unemployed (the demographic who’s most likely to be home with mom). I guess those males don’t count… The office workers who are too busy for tv, yea, they were young once, too. Is it really too difficult to make the leap from children being conditioned to behave in a certain way to behaving that way?

            I find it hard to believe that anyone other than Korean males would upvote you comments, because they are not really true, they just make guys look better.

            On a side note, this OECD longest workweek is bullshit. I’ve been around enough Korean offices to know that most of the days are spent doing pointless shit to make the day go by. The truth is, most guys who work super late do so because 1. Korean offices pay shit,so they really need the overtime, or 2. They don’t want to go home and have to deal with the wife and kids. Work is an escape, not punishment. You make it seem like all men are knights in shining armor for sacrificing for the family. Everyone sacrifices for their families. Women tend to give up their social lives to be with the kids and men usually stay at work longer so they have the “sacrifice” card.

          • jj

            I disagree that it’s mainly young guys. I work in Korea and everyday when I take the subway to and from work I see middle-aged men watching dramas on their phone (most of the time because it’s so crowded you have no choice but to see what everyone else is doing). It’s true that I don’t really see them play games though.

            Also, I don’t think the longest workweek is bullshit, but I think it’s mainly entry level people (since they’re the youngest they have to get there before the boss and leave after him). In my office, since I’m the youngest I also “work” the longest hours just because of this expectation, and I know many of my friends are the same. I don’t think this is partial towards men or women though, just younger people in general (mid- to late twenties/early thirties)

          • Brett

            The statistic is based on the average Korean worker. Not “youngest office worker”, not “lowest man on the totem pole”, and not “the lady working at that 술집”. It’s a combined average, compared to all the combined averages of other nations in the OECD. Also, like you wrote ; you “work” the longest hours, and if that means Kakao games or a hundred cigarette breaks come into the equation you are still on the clock so it’s “work”. You are agreeing with me, and you don’t know it yet.

          • Rinetto Shii

            You’re wrong, I know a few Korean guys from various classes I’ve had…Every single drama I mentioned, they have seen. It’s not just females that watch dramas, stop generalizing.

          • Eve Akota

            I don’t think Korean guys do that because of dramas but rather because most Korean girls have all those excessive expectations that guys have to meet in order to get a girlfriend.
            They just react to the way girls act, imo.

        • Eve Akota

          Of course most young women can tell the difference between K-drama, fairy tales, and their real lives, but it still influences them in some ways, whether they’re aware of it or not.

  • Michael Aronson

    I hope the comments here can refrain from abject sexism.

    Perhaps such commenters don’t realize that it is typical for Korean guys to put in 150% of the effort in the beginnings of relationships. This inevitably leads to disappointment in one way or another, as such enthusiasm can’t be reasonably sustained for a prolonged period of time.

    Are the expectations of the above women unreasonable? Perhaps, but so are the extreme efforts their boyfriends made to begin with.

    No one person is at fault here.

    • lonetrey / Dan

      I think it would be more fair to say, both sides are at fault here rather than no side is at fault here, because otherwise it would imply nothing needs to be done about the status quo.

      • Michael Aronson

        Er, that’s what I said. I said “no one person is at fault,” not “no person.”

        • lonetrey / Dan

          oh! haha I see what you mean.

          “No single person”. My mistake, my mind strung it together like, “Noone’s person is at fault here.”

    • Bear

      What kind of beta male virgin are you, trying to put at fault the man at fault here when this is what men have been doing for millennia to woo females/? Are you some kind of modern day male feminist?

      • Michael Aronson

        Perhaps you missed the “no one person is at fault here” part. Reading is fundamental.

        • Bear

          No, you retard, the woman is at fault for having sky high expectations and expecting to be pampered like a fucking child for her entire life.

          • Michael Aronson

            And the guy is at fault for giving in to those expectations.

            See? Two people. Two responsibilities.

            Think more.

  • Yaminah Jamison

    *sighs* at least they have someone who likes them…..

    • Jen_in_NY

      Aww, cheer up! :)

  • Jen_in_NY

    It’s strange how this issue can be completely fascinating and utterly boring at the same time (at least to me).

  • This has been done and dusted in the west for so long…Humans gets bored eating the same food everyday…they need variety…its psychological…Men all over the world are same…..They need variety …Even if you are the most beautiful girl on the planet, looking at you everyday, will diminish your charm and vibe….everything has an expiry date no matter how beautiful you are..

    best is to enjoy the moment…Hold on to the moment not to the bf himself….this is the best way to experience life and not break your heart..Once you cross 30’s your priorities will change anyways and you will laugh at your emotional break ups….These are just phases of human growth experienced by all men and women all over the world…don’t take it seriously….You will move on to better things in life eventually

    • Michael Aronson

      “Everything has an expiry date no matter how beautiful you are.”

      Wow, what advice! “Ladies, soon you’ll be ugly and unloved!” What garbage.

      The key to relationships is learning how to overcome problems together, in order to prepare for any eventuality, as well as learning how to continue to love each other, faults and all.

      It’s not about giving up at the sight of a single flaw. It’s about learning to embrace and love every flaw.

      • Jen_in_NY

        IKR… suddenly I was reading an advice column from 1952.

      • Jen_in_NY

        Here’s some useful advice to keep your man interested:
        * Alway wear high heels, even in your negligee (while vacuuming the living room carpet–wink wink)!
        * Offer him something different for breakfast: how about Eggs Benedict instead of his usual poached eggs and home-made bran muffins?
        * Never, ever let him see you without your “face” on (or with rollers in your hair)! Remember, you keep getting older, but his secretaries will always remain the same age!
        * Douche with Lysol so he will find you fresh as an enchanted pine forest!
        * Always smile, keep a sweet disposition, and hide all your self-harm scars beneath silk opera gloves!

        • Brett

          A true fairytale!

        • iGleaux

          I snorted at this.

        • Rinetto Shii

          LOL

  • TheTruth(YouCan’tHandle)

    Korean women live in a fantasy world, thanks to the fact that Korean TV is saturated with nonsense.

    Korean’s seem unable to articulate their emotions rationally, nor admit any blame in the situation when it is rightfully due. This is true in person as well as no a macro level.

    The truth is that men and women are NOT biologically monogamous by nature.

    The reality is that women seek status, security and social skills in males. Signs of these traits raise the likelihood of men being successful with women. These traits in males show good genes. Whereas men look for physical signs of gene strength. Age (fertility), hip to waist ratio, breasts. These are facts.

    The two posts in OP scream of princess syndrome. These stories are reserved for little girls.

    The thing is, when are these two girls going to grow up?

    • Jen_in_NY

      I just love a man who exhibits status, security, social skills, and an ability to employ broad, creepy stereotypes.

    • YouAreSilly

      ‘The truth is that men and women are NOT biologically monogamous by nature.

      The reality is that women seek status, security and social skills in males. Signs of these traits raise the likelihood of men being successful with women. These traits in males show good genes. Whereas men look for physical signs of gene strength. Age (fertility), hip to waist ratio, breasts. These are facts.

      The two posts in OP scream of princess syndrome. These stories are reserved for little girls.

      The thing is, when are these two girls going to grow up?’

      ^ Match.com profile ^

      • truth

        I’m lucky to be married to one of the few deprogrammed Korean women. The ones who have spent time abroad in western culture. .

  • chucky3176

    Korean women are high maintenance. Not only you must pay for all dates and buy them expensive gifts, it is not enough to call them once a day. You must call them 4,5,6,7,8 times a day, text them over and over throughout the day, and you must tell them “I love you” five to ten times a day. If you skip on one of these, then they will accuse you that you don’t love them. It’s all because of the stupid Korean dramas. The scripts of those romance dramas are usually written by women writers on crack who don’t have much imagination other then their rich white knight in shining armor coming to rescue them . The men need to take back control of the TV, and stop with all this romance nonsense. And oh, did you know that Korea has designated separate public places for women to smoke? Enough with all this pampering of Korean women as if they’re delicate flowers.

    • dk2020

      seems like koreans, both men and women are overbearing, jealous, and controlling .. it’s the high strung culture ..

      • Eve Akota

        Mothers-in-law have the reputation of being “crazy” all around the world, not just in Korea.

    • Jang

      That’s what happens when there is a brothel of some kind almost every corner you turn in S. Korea and how many Korean men have you met that don’t believe in prostitution?. What are women supposed to expect? If you ain’t calling her, ain’t home, ain’t showing much interest, and are always “too tired” then you should expect women not to trust you, besides isn’t cheating simply considered just another white lie? Reap what you sow.

    • kyuhyun lover

      you just described most women. Don’t generalize.

  • k.ftw

    Wow, I’m sure real princesses get less attention than these girls..

  • A Gawd Dang Mongolian

    I’m sure more men would make each date like the first one…if only it didn’t burn a hole in their wallet each time.

  • That is her worry in life. seriously
    Personally, I cant wait for my partner to go out with his mates and please regale them with cricket stats, speedway, soccer, rugby, hurling, fkn golf, boxing, grand prix Cars….ect ect ect….. We all need space. Romance is romance its not and never should be constant or it demeans itself

  • bultak23

    We think we are prettier and smarter than we really are. I know some girls that think they are pretty but they are not. This could be a problem in a relationship.

  • dk2020

    http://www.nytimes.com/2013/08/05/world/asia/mom-wants-you-married-so-does-the-state.html
    interesting article in the nytimes about the korean dating scene ..

    • Patricks

      Sad ending for the guy in the story. He probably should have taken his chance before all eyes were on her.

    • chucky3176

      DIsagree about men needing a car to get a girl in Korea. It’s not just any car, it can’t be a sub compact, the absolute minimum is a mid-sized car. You also need to have a job, not any kind of a job. Absolute minimum, you have to make 3 million won a month (and I’m being generous), and the preference goes to government civil workers. Doctors, lawyers, fund managers are of course prime, but they’re unrealistic expectations. If you don’t make the money, the other absolute minimum is looks and height. Over 180cm preferred otherwise, you’re considered a born loser. If you make 2 million a month, short, bald, ugly, etc, your chances of getting a date shrinks and marriage prospects even impossible. The only option left is buying a bride from one of the match making agencies which imports foreign brides. If you don’t have the money, then the Korean government pays you up to $10,000 to do so.

      • commamder

        Your comment is true to a degree.

        But also true is that men are also picky at choosing mates, valuing appearances, body figurs.

        After all wealth for men and looks, gorgeous body for women appear to be a perpetual formula in finding spouses as it was in primitive society.

        Making a family with a lovely wife or husband and cute children is one of the hardest challenges in life.

        We’d better admit that attractive, economically capable spouses, men or women are scarce resources for which competition is increasingly heated.

        But the contest notwithstanding, chemistry will determine whether daing with those persons with marrieable conditions leads into marriage.

      • dk2020

        Materialistic and superficial, that’s why I stayed away from dating fobs .. Korea has really sold it’s Seoul for wealth. Maybe it’s the Han, tragic and self destructive, such extreme contradictions .. we’ll see in a couple generations .. North Korea will outlast the South ..

    • commander

      I have just read that article describing a visible shift in dating and marriage from conventional matchmaking to online-arranging and government-sponsored mass dating arrangements in a bid to boost South Korea’s low fertility rate, which poses a grave threat to thr nation’s future economic vitality.

      Although the change is nothing special for South Koreans, it mighy be intriguing for foreigners as the fact that municipal governements funds the mass dating event considering that marriage is an extremly private matter.

  • “Love isn’t more important than making a living.” -.- I guess with that thought, she’ll never truly be capable of loving someone.

  • nqk123

    after dating a few girls in high school. I came to a conclusion that some of them are total wacko.

  • Pingback: Ulsan Culture and Living » News Update 08/06/2013()

  • commander

    Personal past experiences determine a person’s response to women’s anxiety or complaints.

    First, if the posted article is viewed as a hard-to-understand complaint, you might have had a girlfriend who was selfish taking your troubles to take good care of her for granted. You might be angry at her when you look back to the days when you were a passionate lover but she turned out to be not as sincere as you in a relationship–a fruatrating experience for anyone in that he true feelings for the other is met with lukewarm or nonchalant responses.

    Second, you might read out anxiety of the author in the posted article if you see though what she really want: she fear the hapiness she have had with her boyfriend might dwindle to zero.

    Though whether which one is right is a matter of personal perspective, I think the latter reading is more accurate in understanding the poster’s deeper mind.

    She is fretful that the gradual changes she sensed in her boyfriend might be a sign of his loss of live with her since, though not clearly uttered in the article, she loves him so much that she couldn’t imagine the breakdown of her relationship.

    Unfortunately, the subtle expression of her jittery mislead many commentators to characterize the poster as selfish or ungrateful for the enthusiasm the boyfriend has demobatrated to her, while a few say that getting used between lovers is inevitable for stable relationship though it means diluted intensity of the feelings for each other.

    She need to think about the different love trajectories between men and women. Men are excited and passionate when they try to ask out a girl he likes before he winds down after the relationahip takes root. Women are cautious about men’s romantic approach taking time to see if he is really reliable and trustworthy before she opens her mind to him and takes a snowballing liking of him.

    If there is any serious problem with the relationship, the mismathed outbursts of romantic emotions are often misunderstood as signs of the relationship’s fragilty, which is not true.

    Different love psychology requires different mindsets in understanding, cementibg the relationship. The starting point is to confess anxiety one feels about the other in a candid talk with the other.

    • anon

      I was hesitant- on whether or not I should read this long comment, but this was interesting. Thank god.

      • commander

        I am a South Korean native, and post my comments to hone my English writing skills, so I usually don’t care about other passer-bys’ comments about mine. But it’s good to see you get satisfied with my comment which turns out not a litany but readding-worthy.

  • pingu777

    Anyone else want to join the forever alone club?

    • Jen_in_NY

      Hey, it’s Pingu! I love that guy. Did you see “Thingu,” the animated version of “The Thing” done by Lee Hardcastle a while back? Hilarious.

      • pingu777

        Just saw it after you recommended it. lol It was awesome. I totally did not expect to see something like that done by the characters in pingu.

  • zoom

    Making such a big deal out of nothing. sighhhhh
    Sounds like stories from a shoujo manga or drama.
    Being Single is the best thing anyway. Why even bother about these minor problems?

  • anon

    Well, people change over time. In the course of 3 years someone can definitely change-especially being young in their 20’s. This might not be a bad thing though-maybe he’s just in the comfortable stage, so he doesn’t feel the need to do as much wooing. Idk.

    • Stephen

      Koreans will say and do anything to get a business deal … once they get what they want they don’t care about you.

      Gender relationships in Korea are just a subset of this behavioral norm.

  • Guest

    I suddenly feel sorry for kroean men, the high expectations…

  • Cleo

    If he really cared about you, he would help you study and pass some kind of certification exam so that when his love grows cold and vanishes, you will have some kind of professional license as his permanent souvenir of his now gone affection. All those Hallmark Moments didn’t earn him anything in your estimation only your ire once he ran out of steam. A professional degree is a better token of affection.

  • Thor

    I can’t help thinking about this song from the Smiths, which lyrics go :
    “Stop me, oh oh stop me
    Stop me if you think you’ve heard this one before
    Stop me, oh oh stop me
    Stop me if you think you’ve heard this one before
    I still love you, yes I still do
    Only slightly less than I used to, my love”
    (“Stop me if you think you’ve heard this one before” in “Strageways, Here We Come”, 1987)

  • yuppp

    I would think of it this way, traditionally and probably a continue constant of the dating realm. Men have to show initiative of interest, they have to impress the other side and be the one to cover the partner with *love*. This cannot be sustain,it is exhausting and any relationship you will learn more of the imperfection. Marriage should be the deep love for those imperfection, anything else is just dating. If the person can’t accept you cause you fart in bed, oh well.

  • meanie

    YOU SOUND LIKE A CLASS 10000000 CLINGER.

    HE NEEDS HIS OWN LIFE AND SPARE TIME.

    HE’S ATTENTIVE AND KIND TO YOU STILL, THAT’S ENOUGH.

    MAKE YOUR OWN FRIENDS, GET YOUR OWN LIFE.

  • Latchmie

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  • Deborah Wilson

    i have been married for 4years and i have a break up with my husband 3months ago and i was worried and so confuse because i love him so much. i was really going too depressed and a friend directed me to this spell caster Dr. Laco and i made all my problems known to him and he told me not to worry that he was going to make my husband to come back to me and in just 48hours i receive a call from my husband and he was appealing that i should come back to the house. i have never in my life believe in spell and but now it have just helped me and i am now so happy. All Thanks to him and if you also want to have your Husband back to yourself here !! his email Address [email protected] i am so happy to testify of your work and kindness

  • Vanessa hererra

    I’m dating a Korean guy. I’m American, and we met while I was a teacher in korea. He moved to America with me, and I was hoping that this would make him grow up a little bit. It didn’t. His parents give him money every month, like thousands of dollars. Yet, I’ve always paid all the rent and for big things, like our car, because I already have a career and he’s still a student. He always complains about everything. He’s getting so fat and he doesn’t care. I dated a lot of guys in korea and they all sucked. I’ve only been home for a few months and I’ve already noticed how much cooler and nicer American guys are. I want to break up with my bf but I can’t. He moved to America with me and we live together. He’s just so boring and doesn’t accept me for who I am. I also have to take the bus for 2 hours everyday bc my bf refuses to ride his bike one mile to school. One mile! After reading everyone’s comments on here I realize even more how ridiculous my relationship is. How ridiculous every korean relationship is. I mean, when your boyfriends are assholes you girls talk about trying to understand them and blah blah..well I can’t act like that. These fuckers need to learn some manners. I’ve totally been through the whole, “I’m so tired, my life is more important than your life” shit. Fuck that. These korean guys just cry like little babies all the time. It’s so annoying and I can’t handle it. I need to get out of this relationship and start dating a real man. I just don’t want to hurt anyone. I wish my korean bf would just learn how to treat me as an equal, communicate more effectively, and be more of a man than a cry baby! And exercise, just a little.

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